The Patisserie Problem
by DiamondScales
Summary: Fang X Light. Fang develops a patisserie problem upon hearing some particularly bad news. Lots of reasonably suggestive content, so only read on if that's alright with you.
1. The Boutique

So, this is a Light X Fang adventure set 2 years after the events of FF13 (ignoring 13-2 and Lightning Returns). If anyone has read my other stories with Fang and Light (Giving Ground and In Need of Light) it's kind of a future of both of those two stories, though not a direct sequel to anything. Anyway...  
Just in case it isn't clear, the text in italics is the voice inside Lights head, which Light regards as a seperate person (using 'we' and 'us' a lot).  
This is the first chapter of what will be at least three chapters, the second of which I uploaded with this one. Enjoy.

* * *

"It's been two years Fang. In those two years, have I ever disappointed you? Has the sex ever been anything less than absolute bliss?"

"Of course not darling. But that doesn't mean we can't try new things."

 _Fang's right you know._

Shut up.

"Because it seems to me that the only reason to try new things is if the sex is less than perfect. And if it isn't then new things could only possibly make it worse."

"Light. Babe, it's not a bad idea to try something different once in a while."

 _Yeah, like, in the morning, instead of having strictly regimented toast soldiers you could have regular toast. And if you are really feeling up to it, you could even leave the crust on._

I haven't had a breakfast like that since I was a kid. And even then it was only for Serah's sake.

 _Sure sure._

"How about for something different, I get you on my knee and spank you for a change!"

 _You don't know how loud that just was. Like, the cashier is waaaay at the front of the store, and I can see her cheeks heating up like the sun._

"Light. Baby, just calm down. I know you don't want to make a scene, so just shhhhhhh."

Fang practically cooed that last bit, with soothing hand gestures to match. Like I was some kind of cornered animal in need of medical attention. Not that I resent her for it; my voice had reached that pitch it can get to in certain situations when I'm really, really uncomfortable. Like on the edge of a breakdown uncomfortable.

 _Heh. Like that fancy dinner with all that army brass and you were talking to your boss's boss._

I remember.

 _And you asked her how pregnant she was which prompted a very stern look from her..._

I told you I remember.

 _So you panicked and asked her "Or have you just put on a lot of weight?", delivered in a pitch best used to shatter glass._

Please...

 _And it turns out she was just a little distracted and just didn't respond quite quick enough to save you from your own damn tongue. She sure responded quick enough after the second bit though, with a full glass of wine hurled at your face._

... just stop...

 _Not just the wine though, she threw the actual glass as well! It was a heavy thing too, all fancy crystal; not a bad arm for a bureaucrat either, you had a such a black eye it looked for all the world Fang was beating on you at home._

I'm going to cry if you don't stop.

 _Not that Fang wasn't punishing you plenty, just not where anyone could see. As long as you didn't wear a backless dress anyway. Remember that phase? Where she'd string you up by your wrists and let loose...  
What was that._

You know perfectly well what she used! She borrowed Vanille's Nirvana and went to town! She only stopped when Vanille started complaining about Fang returning it before cleaning off the blood!

 _No, I know, shut up. I heard someone. Someone as high pitched as... OH GOD. Vanille is here. HIDE!_

Up until now it hadn't really mattered exactly where Fang had dragged me too. It was the same every time she discovered a new fetish, she would drag me off to a new store the like to make a hardened veteran sputter and redden. Or, she would just bring home a new toy and expect me to lie down and take it. Which I would happily do, usually, despite the grumbling. But none of those places were the sort of location I could imagine anyone I knew walking into. All chains and leather and spikes and hooks; the sort of places manned by creepy forty year old men that only open after midnight. I mean, Sazh was as horny and creepy as middle aged men get, but he has a kid. There is a limit to how much late night carousing one could do with a child at home. But Pulse was undergoing a sexual renaissance, no longer were the fetishists shunned by the light and forced to lurk in the shadows, No! Now high end boutiques selling everything from phallic chocolates to edible lingerie were opening shop and life had never been better for the Fangs of the world. And never more embarrassing for the me's of the world.

 _Don't kid yourself. The odds of there being someone comparable to you are smaller than Fang's restraint in the bedroom, or the basement depending on her mood._

The latter was where I found myself today. A shop full of every possible kind of edible underwear, all flavours, all styles. From chocolate g-strings so small they are just as likely to disappear up your own ass as they are to melt in the mouth of a lover to full body gimp suits made of tantalisingly restrictive taffy. There were even models in the window! Not mannequins, models! Really, mind blowingly attractive girls were posing in a window wearing the skimpiest of skimpy lingerie. And I have been assured that, come nightfall, they even start demonstrating all the marvellous uses of panties you can tear off with your mouth!

 _Yeah, I'm pretty sure Fang was messing with you on that one._

That is completely beside the point. The point is, until this very moment the thought that Vanille might frequent any establishment Fang is prone to drag me to kicking and screaming had never crossed my mind. But there she was, near the front of the store asking the still blushing sales assistant if they had anything bubble-gum flavoured in that ear-piercingly shrill voice.

 _Silly girl. Bubblegum comes in all kinds of flavours._

NOT HELPING.

"Babe. What's wrong? You look like you saw a ghost while you were on the toilet and your gunblade had fallen juuust out of reach. And you were forced to finish your business while the ghost watches, or clench real tight and skip wiping."

 _Ewwwwww._

For all Fang's crassness, I could see genuine concern in her eyes. I must look truly frightened.

"Fang, Vanille just came in. I can't let her see me here, it's more than I could bear. Please, distract her while I get out."

Fang cocked her head to the side upon hearing my desperate plea. I could tell she was strongly considering calling Vanille over just to see what would happen.

 _I can save her the trouble. You would curl up into the foetal position and bury your head so deep between your legs you would start disappearing up your own vagina. You'd get the head up there no problem, the shoulders would take some work but after that, just a blink, and you would be gone from this reality entirely. That is to say, you would disappear up your own pussy._

I thought the expression was "Disappear up you own ass"?

 _You're not exactly into anal though. That one time Fang tried and you started blubbering like a baby._

There is a world of difference between Fang experimenting with anal play, and her wanting to punch me from the inside!

 _Tomato tomato._

"All right. Listen, I'll go say hello and take her over too look at their collection of candied butt plugs."

 _They have candied butt plugs? What kind of edible lingerie shop is this?_

"While I'm doing that, you hide in that rack of taffy gimp-suits."

 _Not the gimp-suits. I know you fancy being tied up in one, but it's not what I get off too at night._

"Once I've got her facing the other way, you make for the door."

"Okay, let's do it."

"Oh, and babe, if you see something you like, just leave it on the counter. I'll make sure to bring it home."

 _There was definitely a twinkle in her eye then. Damn it, this is serious!_

It wasn't worth responding. I dashed for the gimp suits while Fang sauntered over to where Vanille was showing a very strong interest in a range of undergarments that covered everything _except_ the fun bits. All the while the sales girl, who I would swear couldn't be older than sixteen, was taking none too subtle glances at Vanille's extremely well formed ass.

 _To be fair, I think everyone on Pulse would sneak a look given the chance. I know I do._

Fang has reached her, they hug, a bit of chit-chat... Off to the other side of the store they go. Well away from the door, with their backs facing away from me.

Let's move!

I sneak from stand to stand, sticking as close to the array of products as possible, praying to anyone listening it will be enough to hide me from view if Vanille looks in my direction. Which, Vanille being none the less exuberant for her location, was extremely prone to do. Despite Fang's best efforts to keep her attention focused at the wall, Vanille kept on dashing around the store, distracted by all the vibrant colours and shiny things. To Fang's credit, she was beginning to look genuinely frustrated and worried the longer this little game of cat and mouse went on. I had to double back several times, moving away from the haven that was the front door.  
After several minutes I found myself hidden inside a display of liquorice tassels whereupon Vanille came to stand directly in front of me admiring the range and speculating quite loudly what exactly they could be attached to. Crouching as I was, and with Vanille's propensity for short skirts, I realised I could easily lick her sodden panties.

 _Apparently, she is enjoying her time here a bit too much._

Fang had no idea where I was hiding, or even if I was still in the store, and was thusly content to let Vanille linger. She couldn't have known the torture I was enduring; my will to resist slowly being overwhelmed by the smell of sweat and Vanille's sweet sex.

I was starting to drool, my tongue reaching out of its own accord when something caught Vanille's eye and she dashed off to admire some other article of the hungry fetishist. I lingered there, tongue poking out of my mouth, drool running down my cheek for a few moments before the reality of my situation broke me out of my reverie.

I looked around for Vanille, she was at the back of the shop, exactly where I had come from, and found herself completely enamoured in the taffy gimp-suits.

This was my moment, I dashed for the door and with my hand on the handle I hesitated. Still crouching, I saw an artfully arranged stack of chocolate flavoured lubricating oil on the cashiers bench.

 _Fang loves chocolate._

I'm sure she wouldn't shirk at the opportunity to make our next penetration session a little less painful for us and little more tasty for her...

 _Get it. Just knock a bottle over so it's closer to the register._

With my right hand, my left still firmly pressed against the door ready for my escape, I gently nudge a bottle closer to the register, away from the stack.

 _I really hope that sales girl doesn't put it back before Fang sees it. I joked before about that anal play, but I don't want to go through that again. I don't think she was kidding when she said next time, she'd take it to the elbow._

I know. Carefully positioned on the counter, I pushed open the door and made one last dash to the street, and freedom. Finally outside, I stood up and rushed to the far side of the street, heedless of any vehicles that may have been bearing down. Finally free and clear I took a breath and settled myself before looking back to the store to see how Fang was going. She was still at the back of the store by the gimp suits. Vanille had ventured to parts unknown, keen to explore every possible pleasure the boutique could offer but Fang was just standing there, her mouth in a little 'o' shape, her eyebrows high, and her eyes wide. Her regular confident pose was gone, and replaced by the impression that a mild breeze would send her tumbling to the floor.

Something had happened.

Something bad.


	2. The Patisserie Problem Presents

I was sitting at the end of the bed naked, and trying to figure out whether I should be terrified or horny.  
Fang kneeling in front of me, knees spread apart all the better to pleasure herself.

 _With all 4 fingers no less!  
_  
Gorging herself on my rather sizeable length. It's sticky fluids spreading themselves around her lips, and dripping down onto her glorious chest. And every few inches, she bit down hard and swallowed her conquest whole.

 _I've never had a dick. I've never wanted to have one. But every time she does that I die a little._

Fang had developed something of a fetish.

 _I see you're already brainstorming ideas for Pulse's annual understatement of the year contest._

Ever since Vanille had revealed she was in a serious relationship with Hope. Like, she had taken to buying contraceptives by the trolley full.

 _Like there were days she spent so long on her back you could get away with declaring her in a vegetative state._

Like, if they were both at home and not fucking, then both of them must be dead.

 _Like, Hope is getting so much pussy, he is retroactively overriding his status of the most pansiest pansy who ever lived to pansy._

Woah, hey woah. That's going a bit far. Hope would have to fuck his way through a line of babes long enough to stretch around the world and back to even come close to removing his pansiest pansy status.

 _Well, yeah. But their relationship_ _ **is**_ _so serious that they spend enough time indoors to make Hope's pale skin finally make the transition to completely transparent._

 __Yeah well, ever since Fang found out, she had started to show signs of an over indulgence in patisserie. And, of course, with Fang's sex drive it was only a matter of time until she married the two.

 _Don't ever use 'married' and 'Hope and Vanille are in a serious relationship' in the same train of thought._

Don't even.

 _I just end up picturing the kids; all energetic and bubbly until they start cutting themselves because they stubbed their toe._

He did lose his mum.

 _Actually, you know what, I reckon Vanille's kids would keep smiling while they dug the knife in..._

It's really beside the point what their future kids might be like.

 _Of course. Keep telling the story._

So, the end result of Vanille telling Fang she was in a relationship with Hope was Fang gorging on exorbitant pastries while simultaneously having incredibly erotic and passionate sex.

 _What about yesterday when she got, what was it, like a dozen profiteroles and shoved them up your..._

They don't need to know about that.

 _But, but, it's a really funny story! You remember, the last one just wouldn't come out, everything she did just kept on pushing it deeper so we had to wait until..._

Shut the fuck up before I dig you out with a skewer.

 _..._

Anyway. Today's endeavour involved me wearing a contraption usually dedicated to housing a irresponsibly large dildo, even by mine and Fangs standards, that instead has played holster to nearly half a dozen equally irresponsibly large chocolate covered éclair.

 _Not all at the same time though. That would just be silly. As much as I would like to see her try and fit that much into her mouth at once..._

Ahem. Yes, well, good point, no, not all at once.

 _She would have to dislocate her jaw surely. Imagine, opening her mouth as wide as it can go, before shoving them in. There is no way they would fit, but that wouldn't stop her trying. She would wrap both hands around the lot and squeeze, sticky custard spurting out all over a hands and face. So much of it, a whole bunch would end up in her eyes I'm sure; when she finally fits her lips around them all the chocolate would rub of onto her cheeks, the custard leaking out the corners of her mouth and down her neck onto her breasts. She'd thrust her head back and forth along their length sending custard spraying everywhere; she wouldn't hold back either, she'd go right down to the base. You'd be able to see the bulge down her throat..._

I, um. Yeah. That's how it would... um. Yes.

Anyway. Once she had finished one, there was a pile of them sitting nearby that she would put on and begin again.

*Chomp*

"Ohhh... Ohhhhh... OHHHHHHHHH!"

Fang took one last bite as her eyes rolled back into her head, her back arched, and she thrust her fingers in weeeeelll past the first knuckle, and then, chocolate infused orgasm finished she slumped backwards onto the floor. Her right hand still embedded deep in her snatch, and her left resting on her breast where she had been fondling her nipples.

 _I have a new favourite way to die. Hands down._

I'm not going to argue with you there. If not for her bountiful chest heaving up and down, I would nearly believe she had indeed died. Her eyes were still open, but glazed over; you could tell whatever she was seeing, it was not my concerned gaze looking her over, nor anything of this world.

 _Pfft. "Concerned". I am literally inside your head. I know you are weighing up exactly how fucked it would be if you licked the chocolate of her face and tits before having a gourmet session of your own south of the waist._

I can feel more than two things at once!

 _Yeah. The left tit, and the right tit. Three actually, if you count her inner folds as you bury your face nose deep in her pussy._

Yeah. Well. I'm going to put her in bed, all right? So you can stop with the guilt trip.

 _I was so not guilt tripping you. I was trying to encourage you to take the plunge. So to speak._

Sure you were.

The problem I alluded to earlier becomes apparent when I try and pick Fang up and put her gently into bed.

 _Besides the fevered obsession with eating and sex..._

Not so much the second one...

 _That started after her best friend, with whom she is not currently in a sexual relationship with I might add, said she had found a special someone?_

Yeah, besides that.

 _An obsession which over the course of several weeks and numerous attempts to address in conversation has continued to grow unabated. An obsession which leaves her incapacitated for hours at a time..._

Only if I do my job right.

 _Don't be cute. An obsession which ends with her in a sugar induced coma..._

I still think the coma is thanks to the sex...

 _...that you just described as nearly resembling the appearance of the recently dead? Besides that problem?_

Well, yeah.

 _And what problem would that be, pray tell._

I think you know.

 _I want to hear you say it._

Well, it is the problem that she is nearly three times as big as she used to be just a few weeks ago.

 _You vain bitch._

Hey, no, woah, that is not even, not even close to why I have a problem with this and you know it damn well.

 _Is that so?_

Yeah, yeah! Look, when I look at her I still get so turned on I can barely control myself. Fang will never be ugly too me. But tripling your weight in three weeks is a serious health problem. And never mind the physical health issues she is clearly in some mental distress. And we need to do something about it, and soon.

 _I'm not sure I believe you..._

You should.

 _... but regardless, you are right. We need to sort things out. Which means, we need to talk to Vanille. Now get Fang in bed, clean her up..._

Mmmmm...

 _With a wet cloth or something! You filthy girl. Now hurry up and get dressed. We'll meet Vanille for lunch and gently inform her about the situation._

I just hope that Vanille doesn't show up with Hope's cock in her mouth.

 _You and me both._


End file.
